easy-bake life

Being alone with my thoughts is SCARY!
Being forced to contemplate everything is terrifying because I find myself exploring paths that I never ever wanted to travel down again.  It would be a lot easier for me to fill my days to the brim with anything and everything under the sun in order to avoid introspection.  It would be easy.

But....
Since when did I make the decision to try to make my life the easiest as possible?  Since when have I decided to walk around a hurdle instead of facing it head on?
An easy life is not one that I want to experience.  I want to be challenged each day in order to GROW and to become ready to meet You.  Days of nothingness allow me to grow, allow me to analyze my life, my decisions, my thoughts, everything that composes me.  Days of nothingness are a struggle and always will be because I do not like reflection (especially when I know that I have not been on fire for You).

I am throwing away the easy in my life and taking this obstacle head on without avoidance.  I need to face my past if I ever desire to grow up and beyond the tiny box I am stuck in.  This is where I need Your help, I need You to comfort me and forgive me for everything that I have ever done to make my life easy.

Action

Why is it that in the summertime, during days with no structure and no schedule, do I feel furthest away from God?

During these days I have no where to be, nothing to do; relaxation is the goal of these summer days before work has started.  Instead of finding relaxation and peace in God, I find myself ignoring His calls. I am turning away from Him and falling into the world full of struggle and questions and doubt.  It is in these days where I should become even closer to my Savior than I could have ever thought possible but, it just isn't happening.

I am not sure if it is the lack of structure that causes my brain to totally and utterly turn off and turn away from processing one intelligent thought.  Without a to-do list I find myself saying, "I will spend time with You later."  This is frustrating and causing me to circle the drain never falling down or raising up.  I am in the middle of the monotony.  I do not like this place one bit.  I am a person who enjoys each and every success, no matter how small, and who learns from each and every struggle.  Where is my growth coming from if I am continually moving but not going any where?

It is in days like today that I have to remember that following God is a choice, it is ACTIVE.  I have to take action to allow Him to take control.  This in itself seems to be an antithesis yet, this is how God works.  He always has control of my life yet I have to actively give that control to Him to go anywhere.

I just pray that I can continually actively search for Your Face.  I pray that I find Your purpose in unstructured summer days.  I pray that You help me stop moving 'round and 'round and stand up and face You no matter how comfortable I am.  Help me lead a happily uncomfortable life.  I love You.

Coffee, coffee, coffee

Its 100% official (and I suppose it has been official for quite some time now) I am addicted to coffee (especially starbucks)!!!

I find myself, after having a giant cup of freshly brewed homemade coffee (from starbucks, no doubt) this morning, back at starbucks solely for the reason that it was not tooooo... far out of my way back home. This is quite the conundrum.  A well as quite the problem.

There is just something about coffee that is the perfect drink for my life no matter what the weather is like and no matter what I am feeling.  A iced vanilla latte for summer relaxing days, mochas for... well you know, cappuccinos go perfectly with a sweet treat or while reading about my Best Friend.  Some days a warm chai is just what I need, while others a simple coffee with cream is sufficient.  The best time of the year for coffee reasons is fall when the pumpkin spice lattes make their appearance.

No matter what is going on in the world outside, the swirling changes of time, nothing can deter my love for coffee, coffee, and more coffee.  I find comfort and a sense of familiarity in each and every cup I drink.  Maybe this is crazy, but I feel as if I am drawn to the dark richness of the coffee and not to the caffeine factor.

Anyways, basically I adore coffee and everything that goes along with it (the coffee shops, the friends, the peace, the homeyness).

Waiting, hoping, wanting...

These three verbs are a huge part of my life right now, as this week is a enormous transition from being a full time college student and being constantly on the run from one activity to the next, to now, having absolutely nothing pending or needing to be accomplished.  I have realized over this past week that I am  not good at motivating myself to do any old thing when my whole life is not scheduled out.  I find myself thinking of so many things I could be doing and that I need to do by the end of summer but, I just cannot bring myself to do any of them.  

I am waiting for the time when I am busy to actually accomplish something?  This should be the opposite.  I don't know what I am thinking.  I am waiting for that one text, that one call.  I am stuck in this time of nothingness.  I am waiting for July 27.  My summer is on hold until that date.  I am waiting for work to officially start.

I am hoping to read a gazillion good books... yet have not bought any.  I am hoping to hang out with young life girls... yet I have not made that text.  I am hoping to discover just who I want to be this summer... yet I haven't moved past my current state of mind.  I am hoping to have the best summer... yet all I have done is catch up on sleep and TV shows.

I want this to be different.  If this summer is going to be different I need to make a move, I need to find motivation and inspiration somewhere.  I want my heart to find something that I truly love and can pour into.  I want to find the perfect place to volunteer and to give back to this amazing world and city I live in.

so long, farewell

Fact about myself, I am horrible at goodbyes.

Basically I start freaking out, mumbling and rambling on and on never wanting to get to that one final, closing word.  GOODBYE.

Today my roomate, friend, and teammate had her last final, packed up all of her belongings, and made all the arrangements needed to leave Madison.  She got everything ready to say goodbye to this city that she has spent the past 5 years in growing, learning, and forming friendships.

I speak for a lot of people when I say I am going to miss her.  Hanna has been a great role model and has challenged me to grow and to go above and beyond for the people and things I love.  Hanna will forever have a special place in my heart and I am extremely sad to see her go (no matter how much better this next chapter in life will be for her).

Hanna deserves every bit of success that will come to her in the next years, the past few years will not define her for she did not let them break her.

I love Hanna to death so goodbye my friend, I will be seeing you. :)
Thank you for everything you have done for me and may God hold you and keep you as you continue your journey through this crazy thing called life.

Oasis

There is something about today, this moment that I truly love.  I am perfectly and amazingly content in my own little bubble of calm.  There is no stress in my mind yet it is pouring out of every pore of those surrounding me.  Sitting here, looking out over the lake, listening to some of the most beautiful music ever composed, I am at peace.  I truly feel like I am being renewed inwardly (2 Corinthians 4:16) in this moment, this oasis of tranquility.  I am in love with this moment and I wish each and every moment of my life could be this inspired.

River Flows in You- Yiruma

wonderings

As the semester is coming to close I am once again found stuck in the mud with no motivation whatsoever to get out.  I am not interested in spending hours upon hours the next few days studying, writing, and focusing on classes which I am not passionate about.  My dreams of travel and adventure and music are taking over driving me to plan out my journeys on Google Maps, chose which concerts I want to experience, and what songs I want to learn on my violin instead of studying ochem and spanish and zoology.

I need some motivation! I cannot seem to remember that my success in these classes can very well determine the course of my life, closing doors if I fail.  Why then, if I know all of this am I struggling to find a shred of drive, a few days brimming with purpose?  I know I can do all things through Him who gives me strength, but maybe the strength He is giving me isn't meant to be with school work?

Why is my heart so bent on exploration on having no ties and journeying through this beautiful world?  I guess I just wonder what my purpose is in college if I am constantly craving adventure...

news

Celebration of murder?

I realize that murder is a strong word with specific connotations but, is that not what just happened to Osama Bin Laden?  Was he not just murdered?  Or is it considered something different when he himself was a murderer of countless humans?

I just do not know what to think in situations like this...
Murder is wrong.  Killing is wrong. Where is the line in the sand?  What are the ethical precedents behind this?

I have absolutely no idea nor do I pretend to.  I just feel a little uncomfortable celebration the murder of a human life, in any sense of the word.

All I know is:
Justice is in God's hands.

love madison

 It is official, I love Madison.
I love this city.  I love absolutely everything about this lovely city.  From the moments of tranquility found on walks to the Majestic Theater for church on sleepy Sundays to the crazy chaos of Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, this city has tugged on each of my tender heart strings.  Now, this feat must not go overlooked or passed by for my heart strings have become wound up so tightly that they are not anymore prone to become latched on to anything.  Madison has managed, in the past two years of living here, in the midst of it all, to slowly work its way in, changing my heart and overflowing it with love.

There is no turning back or ignoring of this kind of LOVE.  I am hooked.
From the goodness and the beauty:
                of the isthmus, the lakes, the arboretum, picnic point, coffee shops, and the amazing community (and the camaraderie that comes with it)
To the craziness and the wildness:
              of weekly partying past the limits, of intolerance, of the sheer destruction of the beauty.
I love allllll of that, the good, the bad, and the ugly of Madison.  Because, after all, no city can ever reach perfection.

This manifestation of mine came about in the wee morning hours during the preparations for cleaning up Mifflin St. after the block party of epic proportions from the day before.  Standing on the street, being overwhelmed by the sheer destruction of beauty I was discouraged.  I was tired (after being sleep deprived the past couple nights) and my mind could not manage to process how this mess could ever be cleaned, how the beauty can be restored.  After all, the scene was described as, "looking like a tornado hit" by my new friend Emma from Middleton.  This tornado must have been of epic size, touching anything and everything on Mifflin,  scattering beer, garbage, alcohol, and waste in each direction.

But how could we, a group of people in love with Madison (God's creation) restore everything affected by this "tornado?

It was a miracle, every year it is.  Time flew as I found myself enjoying picking up beer cans and laughing when spilling copious amounts of beer on my clothes.  I found inspiration in the faces of everyone who sacrificed sleep and possibly sanity to wake up and clean the debauchery from the previous countless hours of "fun".  I found a new friend in 11 year-old Emma who worked tirelessly cleaning off each and every balcony of debris.  Through Emma I remembered God's promise to us.

The Lord will restore the splendor of Jacob like the splendor of Israel, though destroyers have laid them waste and have ruined their vines. Nahum 2:2

Human destruction no matter how severe can never destroy God's creation.  End of Story.  PTL. And love Madison.