daydreaming

I am tired of making excuses and not taking advantage of the freedom I have (and will have especially this summer).  I am tired of dreaming about traveling about rock climbing, about living.  I have great and amazing chances and opportunities given to me from God that could only be possible at this point in my life having no ties whatsoever.

This summer (starting in 13 days) will be utterly and magically inspiring for me.  I am going to stop daydreaming about the possibilities my life can possess rather, I am going to seize the day.  I am going to carpe diem the crap out of my life.  I am motivated and inspired by the lack of chains tying me up and also by the extreme majesty that is this world I live in.

I want to go out and experience ALL of God's creation.  Done and done.  Summer better watch out.

oh dear

I confess, I have been sucked up into the beauty and grace of the wedding of William and Catherine that occurred earlier this morning.

I can only hope and dream that I marry my best friend, the person who makes me want to be the best person I can potentially be.

Oh love.

strength

I don't have to be strong for You.  I don't have to be put together, be OK, to be in Your presence.  I don't have to be perfect for You.

I can come to you weak, broken, hurt, imperfect, sinful.  I can seek You in my darkness at the bottom of my bottomless pit.  I can find You through all my worldly vices.

Through all my imperfections You are still there.  You still love me, You still care.

Your greatest desire is to HOLD me, COMFORT me, to unconditionally love me.


You gladly take all my weaknesses and eventually turn them into strengths.
You change me from the inside out, all it takes is a leap of faith on my part.

held

I have given them your word and the wold has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world.  My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.

John 17:14-15

Even in His final days of life Jesus doesn't ask for protection for Himself, but selflessly asks His father to protect us, the very people who betrayed Him.  I am held in the protecting arms of Your father.  You gave up everything for us.  The perfect was given up for the imperfect.

I love Jesus, I love my savior.

coffee break

Pause.  Step back.  Turn off the music, the noise in life and listen.  Listen to the world.  Listen to the earth.  Listen to the creation.  Take it all in.  It is all here, all here for enjoyment.  So appreciate it, take it all in.  

God created all of this.  Respect it, care for it, love it.  Love in it.  

^{Genesis 1:29-30} Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.  And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so. 

Legit.  God trust us.  He loves us.  Calls us to rule.  Gives us the power to care for His creation.  For this creation is not ours for the taking, it is all His; it all belongs to Him.  

He lets us rule, falling into sin, destroying His world, His perfection.  Yet, in all the failures He comes down swooping us up into His embrace, into His unending love.  It is in this love that He becomes the Savior, the Sufferer, the Sacrifice.  Through the destruction and breakdown He become the Light, taking with Him every darkness that was, is and will be.  

How inconceivable is it that He (the Most Powerful, the Most High) suffered horribly and was killed just to save me?  Since when have I ever deserved this?  Are my actions and thoughts reflections of this great love I have been shown? 

I think not.  

Let me continually show the blessings and continual love given to me in sacrifice in each and every day.

i can do anything

I can do anything through Him who gives me strength.

I just wish I could be like Jessica and remember this every moment, every day.  I tend to forget I have the most powerful Man on my side.

thundersnow

Two things that seemingly never go together, thunderstorms and snow are somehow managing to happen at the same instant, occurring in magnificent harmony.

All of this harmony is because of Him.

Thank You for my life not being one melody, one voice, un-enhanced by the multitude of notes and rhythms added by the day surrounding me.  Thank You for being here even when the harmony of Your grace and love is being drowned out by my needs and desires.  Thank you for the reminders of Your presence in this thundersnow.

love

"All you need is love".

From the beginning of life we are taught how to be loved and how to love in return.  Love is the basis of our knowledge, it is the foundation of our culture, of our world.  Without the love of a man and a women I would not be here, nor would anyone else.  If no one had love, the world would be nothing.  This idea of love comes at us from all sides rushing in on us like an avalanche of snow, pounding at us, never subsiding until we "understand" what love is.

But what is love?  The three types of love are all magnificent, beautiful emotions holding together our out-of-control life.  In songs love is described as:  Something to do anything for, more than words, something that can overcome any obstacle, something crazy, sex, lust, want, and need.  This cultured version of love is not exactly what God had in mind when He created love.  Sounds amazing right?  I find myself falling into the belief that I need and crave this kind of puppy-dog love.  I find myself asking God when is it my turn to have someone love me and to take care of me and to just sit with me whenever I need it.

I think I now realize all those questions and needings of "love" is exactly why I should not and do not have that kind of love in my life.  Since when do I need a man to fulfill me?  I shouldn't be looking to a lowly human to fill my life.  I should be 100% relying on God to fill me up, to hold me and to listen to my hurts and sadness.  He should be forever the only person I truly NEED.

I want to be in love with my amazing God of Love.

worship

I will praise You continually, forever.  I will worship You.

I won't worship You only in song, for worship is more than just one fleeting moment in a church on a early Sunday morning.  Worship cannot be contained, it is undefinable.  It is everything and everything that makes You smile.  


Do I make You smile in everything I do?  Are you smiling right now?  How can I forever be living for You?

I crave to make You so immeasurably happy.

lets go

It's time for me to get out of this funk.  It is time to find my motivation and my inspiration again.  I feel as if I am living in perpetual writers block but, instead of this just affecting my writing, it is affecting everything I am doing.  The looming deadlines and pounding of my head should cause me to be worried or stressed, something; instead I am stuck in the doldrums.  I have no fluctuations, nothing really bad but, nothing really good either.  Right now I can only describe my emotions as blah; I am stuck in a dark cloud that will not rain or turn into sunshine.

It's at these points in my life when I need You the most.  I need Your arms to hold me and comfort me and tell me that life goes on and that You have great plans for me.  It's right now that I need You to be right next to me holding my hand and my heart.  Yet why can I not feel You?

cloudy

Well, Madison is again overcast which is a good reflection of my emotions of the day.  After a not so great race last night, the clouds seemed to enclose my mind, wrapping around every thought casting a little shadow over everything.  I realize that it is just one race and a small one at that but, with the countless hours and hard work I have invested I wish I had a little something to show for it.

Obviously I want recognition, my mind and my thoughts have been shaped to seek this because of the world I live in.  In this world I am considered mediocre, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough.  But, to whose standards am I being compared to?  If I am mediocre than what is awesome and amazing? Who decides what is "the best"?  Who sets the standards?  No one in the views of the world can ever be the best thing or the best person ever, it's just a fact; there is always going to be someone smarter or better or faster than you.


Well it is a great thing that I have Jesus who loves me and tells me that I am amazing and awesome and smart and good.  He doesn't compare me to anyone else, He just loves me.  HE is AWESOME!

PTL :)


PS (PATRICK please don't lightning me)

race day

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus.  Hebrews 12:1-2

I can do this.  I am running for Him, for an audience of one.  He gives me the strength.  Let me glorify Him through this race tonight.

Thanks to Linds for this amazing inspiration and motivation today.

purpose

A huge theme in my life this past week has been purpose and all the implications surrounding this topic.  Having to figure out classes for next semester, applying for summer jobs, and talking about track all have got me thinking:  Just what is my purpose?  What is God's purpose for me?  What do I want my purpose to be?  Do those 2 match up?  How can my life be purpose driven if I don't even know what my purpose is?

What is my purpose?  Now that is a loaded question and anyone who knows their own answer to this questions I am in awe of.  I have absolutely positively not a clue as to what my purpose in life is at this moment.  The big picture remains a mystery to me, floating around just out of reach.  I get glimpses of what my purpose may look like but, this is all to no avail.  I have yet been able to reach high enough to grasp my purpose out from under God's hands.

I have started to read and go through the book A Purpose Driven Life with my friend and teammate Sarah and so far it has immensely helped me become at peace with the fact that I may not know my purpose in life yet.  It all will be O.K. because God is love, and this Love will never leave me or lead me astray; that is pretty awesome.  I have Him to become my driving force, my reason for doing things.  I am trying to no longer be motivated and pushed by wanting to be better than another person (comparisons) or resentment or anger (jealousy) or materialism.  I want God to be in the forefront of my actions, my thoughts, my everything.  I want His light to be my lamp, my guidance.  In fact I need it.

Without Him I would be living a life full of hopelessness; I would be a chicken with its head cut off wandering through the world, with not a clue as to what is going on or where I am going.  With Jesus I have hope, I have a future, I have peace.  Thank goodness for that.  Despite not knowing what my purpose is or which roads I am going to take, I know where I will end up.  No matter what journey He decides for me they will all end in the same amazing paradise.  And this is what I will focus on.  I won't focus on the fact that I have NO idea where life will take me because God already knows my way, He makes my paths straight and will lead me to Him when it is all said and done.

hello computer

Yes, you guessed it my computer is back 100% fixed sitting on my beautiful desk in my beautiful room looking out over the beautiful Madison campus on this beautiful spring day.

As you may have noticed I am so in love with the amazing beauty that God has put around me, it is truly jaw-dropping to experience it all.  My window is open and I hear the sounds of birds chirping away adding to the beauty of this moment even more.

Living computer-free for the past couple days has really helped me become thankful for the ease it brings to my life (especially in school work) and the beauty it can help me create (some of these beautiful things) but also, I have become aware just how much this machine was taking control of my life (and not in a good way).  Instead reading a good book or even just looking out of my window I would spend hours browsing facebook, stumbling, and blogging.  This is an absolutely ridiculous way to spend my with all this beauty surrounding me.  In the past week I now know that I do not need or want to go on facebook multiple times a day.  After all, all facebook seemed to do for me was to allow for comparison of me and others.  I was comparing my life with other peoples so called "facebook life".  In Galatians 6:4 Paul writes that we are to, "take pride in [ourselves] alone, without comparing [ourselves] to someone else."  Whoa, this is exactly the opposite of what I was doing on facebook.  Interesting.... very interesting.

Hmmmm, I do believe God was trying to slip a little love note into my life by taking away my computer and I love that He cares enough about me to want to help me.  He loves me so much that He exercises His justice in order to allow me the best life possible.

I pray that, now that I have my computer back, that I use it as a supplement to my life and not as the main focus.  I pray that You stay the main focus of my life.  Keep my eyes open to the beauty of the spring you have created for me.  I love You so much!!!

One day...

Today is One Day Without Shoes, for more information see the TOMS website.  Today I am happy to say that countless sidelong glances and confused (and sadly sometimes judgemental) looks later I feel honored to be a part of this great cause.  After only walking around for half of the day so far my feet are already tired and hurting and cold but, this is nothing compared to a life lived in worse conditions without ever owning a pair of shoes.  Today I am making a difference but, at the same time this is such a miniscule thing to do.  This brings awareness to the sufferings and struggles of so so so many people in this world.  Today, a light was shone on my heart, helping me realize that I take so much for granted.  I take for granted my freedoms (especially the right to vote on this election day) and all my things (especially my overly-excessive shoe collection.  I am trying to pause and take a step back and be truly thankful for the billions of blessings God has given to me.  I am truly so blessed in my life it is absolutely incredible.

updates...

So, as many of you know I have been a bit MIA lately due to computer issues (aka a dead hard drive) and have had to spend sometime technology-less.  This past week of no TV (my lenten sacrifice) and no computer I have learned an abundance of things:

1. God is LOVE: He loves me so much that he puts hurdles in my life just so that He can hold my hand and help me succeed.  God is also Just: this is because of His infininte love and His desire to have give me the best life possible.
2.  God answers prayers:  Before my computer broke I prayed for more quiet time to spend with God throughout my crazily hectic weeks and SURPRISE, no more computer... Hmm... He is so hilarious.
3.  I am very blessed: through it all especially last month I still had a Savior, and friends, and community, and family, and shelter, and food, and clothes, ok you get the picture (but this list could go on forever).
4.  I am thankful.
5.  Technology can be good in some aspects but, I need to not abuse the privlege anymore.
6.  I LOVE SPRING!!!

More updates on my life to come I promise but, writing about all of them in the Fetzer and not in the privacy of my apartment seems weird to me...

By the way happy (belated) birthday to two people very dear to my heart, Chelsea and Nicole!!